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| 10.25.01:12.34
-too much has happened to scrutinize the details
the sky pulled in. it bellowed
the name of a thousand brothers. all
silently wept for. all openly cried
for.
the clouds were tighter. the air was lighter.
and with a torrent the flood of
life, emotion, hits like stones
and stomach aches.
all together too much has changed,
to scrutinize the details.
the fields have all been reset. new levels
of old comforts reached. and the
poetry at once loses its edge.
the binding element lost
in a fury of keys and crackers.
a mutual understanding has
been reached. of life before
death. and life in the midst of
death. not the finality. forget
the cold, forget the unforgiving.
just the uncertainty. the consistency
of plastic in the hands
of a welder. not our tresspasses
into the unknown to make us
better people. merely are actions will
being tended by the unknown. actions
that force thought and action as one.
as one. but for now there has been
too much happening to scrutinize the
details.
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10.23.01:9.29
-flower petals tell stories
the way the tea leaves turned, all the needles faced adversly. staring back at inky words left behind on graph paper and seeing part of the future there. i want to see myself in a few years. i hope ill like myself. without insecurities. without self doubt. without the need to complain about my faults.
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10.18.01:8.00
-rant
its so easy for all of us to get lost in our escapes. we walk from our responsibilities as people and hide in tight wound balls. i[we] need to learn, or at least remember, that compassion is the foundation to happiness. in this dire race to pursue pleasure we push all things aside. people. responsibility. pure thought. we start into comfort zones. we end up everywhere and no where.
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10.11.01:9.18
-forget
now 2 weeks from the last attempt at prayer. in a lot of ways im just trying to forget about it for now. i can only push so hard before i am burnt out. sometimes the philosophy becomes arrogant. nothing is the all in all. life is about balance. about moderation. if this is all we persue, our only goal, then when we fail at it we become destroyed.
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10.06.01:9.31
-fuck circles
everything goes full tilt turning onto its side and pours out. empty onto the ground. i feel like everything is out to get me. its too good when the only person you want to care about you is not happy with you anymore. when this gets fucked up everything gets fucked up. i hate this. ranting and raving over my problems. i hate it. why the hell cant people deal. fuck.
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i feel like im not getting a chance anymore. everything is said and done and your holding the grudge. you've got this marker a mile over my head and i just cant reach it. youve set your standards too high. and now i have fallen and injured both of my legs
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im lost. and it bothers me. and i wonder about the world like a little kid now. i look up at things and strip them of their meaning and just see things again. objects. and never latch a meaning to them. see them float. sureal. in space alone. a cloud of atoms forming a desk that i lay my little elbows on the brace a crying head.
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10.04.01:12.17
-what else
im more. i am a poster. or a billboard. i am any advertisement. i show you everything. my happiness. my sadness. im more of a complainer. i advertise. i show off. i cry out loud to get others to look.
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10.03.01:12.04
-stars and starts
but for now i need to be happy with the outcome of things. with large potato breakfasts and diet coke. feeling that little chill that my toes are known for every winter. my typewriter sits alone. i thought it would be a closer friend then this, but alas. its not. we drift. im just riverwood. a floater. inbetween everything which i love. which gives me inspiration, though just for a split second. but ive been forever changed by it. certain things. certain books, little texts from friends. i want my life to take root. to live on my own. and wait. waiting is never easy. my eyes stuck to window panes waiting for rides. waiting, bus stop waits, alone. always waiting but lacking patience. forgetting to keep calm. just getting twisted out of shape. i can stand there. hold back stamping feet. but can only hold for so long. its tough out there in the cold.
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out there. hoping that everything
will go ok today, workers face.
easy job. friends gone. new feel.
will have pleny of time to think.
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10.03.01:12.35
-tell yourself
this is a test. to see who i think i am.
i am:
vegan
straight edge
believer in God
struggling to do artwork
reading Amerika by Kafka
trying to learn italian
getting ready to hike the apalacian trail
learning to cook better
starting a new job
hopelessly in love
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10.02.01:2.04
-shake that leads to fall
the leaves drift a little. fall isnt really here yet, but the cold has creeped in. im home ridden today. unable to escape. no car. no money. no luck. i will sit back and devise a plan to escape. to cut enemy lines. to leave this behind myself.
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reading will rear its head soon enough. once i am pryed away from technology eyes and keyboard hands. going to make a little list of things which i hold dear to my heart and evaluate time spent in each area and adjust accordingly. sounds like minutes for a business meeting. first on the agenda for the day......
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10.01.01:10.19
-obligations soon
have stepped off. im sure i will be back and plan on it in about 5 minutes. stopped my study and most of my devotional writings. im unsure of how to move on with them. i trust in myself enough to know that i will eventually find out what is my new obstacle and kick it from underneath myself. reading Kafka instead of Bhagavatam. i know im not wasting tie because i felt like i was too geared towards spirituality. im constantly insearch of a balance. one i never find. i lift the bar of weights, a bar of obligations, and it tips to one side. be physical. be mental. be spiritual. but without all three things i am unhealthy. friends inspiration comes from afar. unexpected. i wish i had some freetime today. for re-evaluation.
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9.30.01:7.14
-i will not figure this out
i dont change my shirt for days to remember a bit better. to still smell you on me. it is so fleeting, i need you near again. closer. i know that days will be a bit lonely sometimes. once the working begins again, but i am willing to aggitate the wound. i can sit and wait forever as long as when it ends you will be there. herald me threw the doors. pat my back and throw your arms around my neck. i sit and wait for you. so cold out today but im warm inside. too bad my toes are cold. the air has a certain chill to it. just like last year. a driving chill. to push you to new places. to 4 walls of happiness. the last few days have been some of the best of my life and i owe them to you. i should tell you this. just remember that i see your smile in my mind all day. all night. all the time.
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9.27.01:12.24
-eyeview
all i can see are thin lines. sounds of violins and pianos in my ears. the sweet ripping sound of the bow. up forward, down back forward. pulling away at my mind, my consciousness uprooted. inner need to be a creator. music. art. words. with everything going on inside my head i want to take that which is internal and force it to the outside. with strings, with bows, with pens.
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sway. forth fro forth. sway. inside. pulling at strings. plucking away new melodies of my heart. looking forward and seeing colder days and warmer lips. seeing everything in melody. without a creators mood i would be lost. inside again. when i want to breach conventional walls. make, maintain. and finally. create.
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9.26.01:12.32
-new idea
current projects.
graphic design, web design, music, art.
wants.
violin, paintbrush, bhagavatam
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everything i spit out tastes bad these days. making me feel a little pointless. i am trying to read and create and listen. hoping to learn the violin tomorrow. or recieve an old copy of the Bhagavad-Gita. who knows what each day will bring.
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9.18.01:1.17
-wavering and about to fall
still lots of confusion. too much weight to these times. i can not see the benifits of rushing into a war. some people need to be "taken care of" but we need to find a revolution of people in all nations. groups opposed to killing. sections of population that believe in the sanctity of life over that of revenge. eye for an eye leaves all of us blind.
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9.15.01:10.37
-redwhiteandbluefaces
im unsure of what to say. i was in a temple taking a nap when they fell. both of them. really hard. destroying thousands of human lives.
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admitance to myself that i am trying the best i can on my path. mumbling mantras outdoors, on buses. pictures of spiritual master all over the place right now.
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9.8.01:1.36
-love and crosses
all i get on the day is chips, salsa and a bad attitude. writing from anger brings back old brutality. fighting for whats moral in my own heart. sounds of progressing noise inside my head. i walked. tried to keep clear. keep feelings the fuck out of it. keep the hurt on the outside. is that fair? to destroy my insides to keep a smile. i held my hands close to my chest to stop myself from drawing weapons. to keep a handle on my mind. let me not think of injury and love and crosses. bring my mind back to a state of inner euphoria. of not worrying. of thinking of myself. not only, not selfish. but keeping me in mind, unlike now. pounding sounds. looked at broken glass and drained on a wall. bus going by. felt like i should have a fist high to the sky. exclaim of "yes i fuckin believe. do you? will you? it doesnt matter!" had the feeling to tell whomsoever approached me to ask me what was going on to reply cryptically. to say "i am conversing with the Supreme Lord Krsna." to forget reservations and speak from the depths of a slit stomach. with intestines on the ground i still want to be heard. im in a coffin. i want to be heard. hear me, stop hurting me. its all this inner insanity. all these feelings of depression that i can bat away speaking a 16 sylable phrase. the world closed its deathly cold hands on me today. i pushed him aside. how about another day, thats what i would say. not today. try back tomorrow. get me when my mind was right. straight on my shoulders. no more cock-eyed looks and blurry vision. scream scream loud in my head... Villans! e.a. poe would say... villians dont you hear the heart. can you hear mine now? its not too loud... do i need to turn it down for you?
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its not about the inert hatred of love
but that of people.
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9.7.01:10.22
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dreams. never understood what they are trying to tell me. this morning i woke and needed water. i fought a lot in my dream, with beads. almost like chanting beads but i used them to injure others. "non-lethal" combat. then i was walking to work in a town i have never seen. every few steps i was spitting straight blood onto the ground. crimson red. spitting at cars. waking to the sound of lawn mowers and wishing i got up 30 minutes ago to catch a friend.
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9.6.01:11.44
-book belts and dress codes
writing slumping do to studying maniacly, intense like an english school boy of 60 years ago. i push pen to paper and write everything out, with limited vision. little commentary on the most momentus parts of devotional life. ideas crossing boundaries i have set, keep the fingers moving. free write. desire to sketch lately. put a portion of feeling and life into old paper. slowing. now almost stopped, done.
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maniacly words
with all our little fingers
moving, feeling, life.
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9.3.01:11.33
-exercise in management.
like children. throwing stones at people, nevermind the glass houses. carefully walking. breath. throw. hoping for some sort of reaction, and lately noticing disgust in worldliness. no sense huh? its the ability to look at someone as just flesh. movement..organs, pumping blood flesh. an amalgam of organisms. most prone to the attacks of disbelief. no sense huh?
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creation of epic stories and thoughts in my head of everything i think and while it is there i can spit it rapid fire but today i am left without the words to express what i want to say. my fingers are not connected so i am pushing it further and further. not working? nope. repition. far from inactive. trying to keep everyday open but in the same simple schedule. wake. eat. serve. work. wait. serve. sleep. somehow find something to say each day. force of fiction force of mind.
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superiority. sometimes. but without regret. yah, some of my descisions are better then others. im not perfect. but i try. by my works i am saved. you cannot win this race without trying. stop idle lies and manage your lives. make some sense. fight with your inability to produce something worth reading and just write.
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8.30.01:12.53
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im innocent to this world no longer. i dont try to be. ignorance is not bliss. not in anyway. hearts never need to be broken. love should be stronger then that. i may forgive you in everyway, but dont feel sorry for what has happened. i will never let you have that.
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8.29.01:10.51
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levels of personal intensity dropped. im unable to pick up the pieces too quickly. afraid to lift them up and find that i am making artificial statements. wanting just a pure heart, and pure words. to speak with friends. unforced, unbiased. irregular but well formed.
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8.26.01:12.48
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heavy eyes make for bad company. feeling plans develop. todays atrocites including a dragged workday and little arguments. we kept our cool. and im very happy for it. life drifting slowly as we entertain new ideas and celebrate modest victories. im happy with the way things are. and it makes for less forceful writing. sorry.
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8.26.01:11.41
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free write, like gurudeva. tried to keep devotion on the side in this writing project. hopefully i still will. ive been rocking back and forth, all my plans are set im just waiting to take motion. let inertia do the rest. the suns been warm these last few days, with cold air like a blanket on top of it. feels like old days of touch football and bloody noses. running as fast as we can up and down the same strip of grass with a few friends. laughter. tackles. fighting. everything that has ever come with being a kid. sitting down to freezer pops or the ice cream mans choice deserts. air had never felt so heavy in those days. stress was in worrying about what mom would say about your new grass stains in your even newer pants. i wonder about those days. leaves in the clouds coming down just for me to form piles of to dive into. i miss my nosebleeder days, my freeze pops, my carefree life.
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old fall sunshine faces,
freezer-pop lips and blue tongues
days of friends, fun, gone.
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8.24.01:12.25
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everyday. each one should be a revolution. we should find new thoughts. deeper thoughts of older subjects. but we dont, we always find a way to dig into a hole we cannot see out of. our revolution is working the next day or not. revolution. a word i know nothing of that everyone has written so much about. the word barely crawls from my mouth. i have no realization. but i should strive for it. i should attack myself. not speculate but just know. i need to learn to live each day like i knew the world was going to end. attack everything with a greater importance in mind. revolutionize my spirit and my mind.
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8.21.01:2.09
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thoughts in picture form.
moving inside, outside my head.
thinking this is how you've seen,
how we have all seen. whispering
in the air. trying like a saint
to be close to Him. looking for
a piece of a smile left on the floor.
im laying with it tonight.
i found it tonight.
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most days running around in circles around other days which are all becoming nameless in my head. wanting to help the world out by helping myself and falling a bit short but without putting neck to the cutting board. forgeting that cut throat emotional death wish. trying to be less severe, i wish to be a giver of mercy to all i see.
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new attitudes, on
old ideals set into place
so i can find love.
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8.18.01:2.25
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you dont make any sense.. your science. your madew up langauge... "we are a type one civilization."-Michio Kaku giving a lecture on his new book Hyperspace Visions. listen to this bullshit. saying we can find God thru vibrations and he is in a musical form.. shit, i've known that and it has been known for 5000 years. easy. wake up wake the fuck up! He is His name, and the vibration of His name. wake up. i'm ready to destroy tonight. i cant stand a single shread of ignorance... i cant believe this rhetoric that he is spouting. your science wont ever save you. just prolong the suffering. fuck you. thats my rhetoric. lets just drag out our stupidity.
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drag on drag on today
drag on drag on forever,
i will watch you die
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8.12.01:11.45
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i've already dug deeper into myself then i can bare. all these things are leaving slash marks in my face, cutting everywhere. my wandering mind has fallen into fight or flight, and the war isn't over yet, but maybe i'll just run. dive over that baracade. crawling, waste deep in the muddy woods. under barbed wire, i can see your eyes behind me. i'd get up and bolt for the ocean. i'd want to swim to safety. but your still there. theres a gleam in your eyes and one in your hand. shot for the fucking face because i cannot bear to watch.
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telling myself of
different times, like fevers,
chills, leading to death.
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8.12.01:1.10
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i guess life would be better if my gf would calm down.
if i wasnt being sued.
if i had an ok job.
if i didnt hate living at home.
if my convictions were not attacked by my family every minute.
then i could fucking breath.
one god damn breath of air so pure that i would immediatly puke all over you face. no dont take me the wrong way. i am hating myself. my fucking problems. my ideas. everything right now is out to destroy me and i am so sick of it all. fuck the world, i'll destroy you too.
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8.11.01:2.56
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i can remember different days. when life used to wax and wain with newer and better possibilities. now i keep being shown the things that barely exist in my eye are more real then my gross body. that these figures. numbers. our the leanings of a real person, can you taste salty irony or do i make things up? things i dislike. things i could go as far as saying 'i hate this' to are what parade across my chest in a flurry of colors. do i need a reminder. 'this is temporary' written in bold ink filled slashes across my chest or can i grow up?
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just a fake, trying
an existance of shame, lies.
forget all of you.
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8.10.01:12.20
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noticing days drag between splurges of keys. looking deep into myself to see where the strength i long for, the strength i need to go on, is. losing a battle of finance due to needing to move out and a litigation summing 5,000 dollars. just seeing dollar signs drown me.
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smashing through puddles,
these waves are all green colored
and drowning slowly
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8.6.01:2.21
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i move away, far
to not see your lonely face
my mind is fragments.
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entering raptures of frustration, life always wants to change so quick and the fragments that i grab break away. just the branches that are the thinnest. all the reaching in sorrow. in hope, lost desperation blurs vision. i see twigs like trees and grab a hold. i fall away. to being lazy to being myslef. i will look over and think to go pray just honestly pray but not mean a word. not one cent of one letter will be real and it kills me and i could cross my arms and snicker and be happier. its a rat eace and i am pushing the pleasure button. and forgeting to move.. just press press press.........
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these bones are hollow.
ive lost any control.
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8.4.01:2.50am
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lasting friendships in words i've thought have only touchmed my mind. doubts. fears. wants. all these things that remain locked away, silently waiting for them to be invaded. i want service. but i also want that peace of mind. can life be lived successfully [by whos standards?] if we find what we need within the confines of our own gross selves? questions dart in my head and the answers all lay outside of me. in others. in nothing. in the same things that all of us are. others. nothings. no ones. no bodies. nessuno. we can be all. we can be nothing. it is your take on it that matters most, to just you.
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head created space,
confines set for a slow speed
to crawl until death.
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8.2.01:8.06
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greenery rushing by window scenes, corn fields
tractor tracks. taking in swollen breaths. forgeting always the ideals that set me free, forgeting the ones that part me of my anger. thoughts and careful breathing long overdue.
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next to nothing real,
i sit and capers unfold,
next to nothing made.
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7.31.01:11.56
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it will not move. like rocks,
they cannot grow.
hearts will constantly pump poison
for they are the greatest decievers.
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strive towards silence. i sound like one whom i wish i could mock in all ways. i will strive for the sound of breathing and pray that it all works. with a sickness towards this society and its people. with materialism at its height and money equating love, we fight battles we cannot win. track marks of sorrow left in my arms, tracks of sorrow. we have all the right to fight for suicide, but why do we search out that goal, that attained, will be the culmination of suffering. i accept the suffering of this world in my heart. i see not one who will try to help it.
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tell me im human
show me the pains i will cause
promise to not fail.
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7.31.01:12.50
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with fickle eyes i stare towards the sun
he burns his presence known.
strained, now i see it forever
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indifference is one things life has decided to teach me. in times of difficulty i find myself at one extreme. unhappiness. leading to explosion that i apologize for a million times silently before i prostrate myself before that person i have offended. but is there a need to offend? to let things rise to an ugly zit upon creation and explode? these are troubles upon my mind now and i do not know what i can do.
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conflicts in the fields
now i rumage through the dead,
they all have my face.
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7.31.01:2.20
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just me and a fan
left to remember old days
tears, on faces, blank.
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Silent rememberance of better days. almost like innocent days. old friends and new uneasiness. never a feeling of being uncomfortable with these people until today. when all relationships have changed and you see them for the first time in a year, what can you say? maybe i am just uptight and cant fight off inhibitions that i set up in front of my eyes.
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looking through old glass.
sun worn and sand blasted
i can see only so far.
stuck inside words without any meaning
i am just a child whom wants to be a beggar. |
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| email:disruptusa@hotmail.com
Please.check.these.sites.often. matthew lacking bhava peta |
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